I'm in boulder colorado waiting out the snow, sleet and hail to go back to rocking, while my hands heal, sunburn peels and the body gets rest and my mind stops spinning.
I travel for work in the spring and summer. i love it often, and some times, its just long days and longer nights and lots of alone time. alone in my head, with my work and in many ways. like today.
I am seeking connections with people, i am seeking to make creative opportunities to express what is in my head and heart. what is pent up and put in storage while my mind races and tries to reconcile all the thoughts and make some order.
Here are some of my thoughts that keep coming around in gigantic spirals..
i'm trying to organize the world, i think in little ways, one rock at a time,
somehow the natural chaos isn't pleasing and i try to put things into some order which i, for whatever reason, think is pleasing.
i think its because so much in my personal life spirals out of control, and i cant keep it in order so i dont try hard to, and then look to something so much easier.. inanimate objects who can then speak only beauty, symmetry and good form, dont talk back, and generally love me when i feel fat, have pimples and want to stay in bed all day, say the wrong thing, and forget to return important phone calls, dont pay my bills on time and forget important dates because i'm selfishly out pursuing things that my ego says are more important.
today i have no skin on my finger tips. it is only painful to move my hands, my face skin is dry from being in this high mountain atmosphere, and though i have showered, i have not washed my hair. my body hurts almost everywhere from the sheer tonnage of stone i have handled in the last few days. i am just a person, i am alone. i am comfortable not sharing more, and not sharing less.
i know clearly who i am and what i am about, but i also know that changes instantly when i want to please another person, a man and i learn their language and important things and i put my own goals and desires in the back seat with the children. why do i do that? why dont i say, hey lets talk about this movie, book, fantasy, political figure, religious figure or whatever it is. why do i forget what i want to talk about?
the work here has been good and satisfying until yesterday when my former inlaws were hit head on in a car collision somewhere distant from here and lay broken and mending and medicated in a hospital. the rain chucked down in buckets from the sky and made the mud pit a real hell of cold mud on toes, and sticky rocks that suctioned to the ground and then tripped you and stuck to the feet or pulled off the shoes. the mexican crew bailed out emotionally and left me physically empty shells of jeering men as companions, pointing and laughing. my physical strength waining at this time with my cycle, and peeing in a porta potty with a crew of about 15 guys not fun at all, and then a 3 mile walk home covered in mud and rain. and then an angry text from my man to say we are done with our relationship. out of the clear blue sky, had it been clear blue, but was in fact cloudy and mean.
there used to be no days i wish i could re-do, now they are stacking up like piles of rocks.
i have mighty strength and vision to create stone art of beauty and balance but i am in fact extremely fragile and hide behind the mass of stone to disguise this weakness. this point of entry for the dagger. i fear i am a failure and someone will find out. i feel i'm a fake and someone will find out. i feel like my dad will find out and then i'll be in trouble.
